just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
