Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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