I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
