Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
