Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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