I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
