Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Four minutes until I can fart!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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