Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize