That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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