i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
