Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
