I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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