The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My ass is underappreciated
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
