Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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