I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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