***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
