i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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