Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
