he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
