mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
