worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize