Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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