I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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