i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
