Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Randomize
