I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
