So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
