Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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