I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My life is pants optional.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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