just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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