I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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