Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
