You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
