There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize