Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The ass gains better be worth it
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