Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
