haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize