I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
