my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
