Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
