i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
