the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
