One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
