All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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