Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
