My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize