I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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