I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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