Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
