I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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