I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Be still, my beating vagina.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
