Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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