it was like his penis was on wheels.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
