I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize