You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
