rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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