I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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